I Am Not Nice

I sold my car, and for better or worst I have to use public transportation now every day to go and come back from work. A few days ago I was late as always and tired as hell when this lady hops in the bus, she has to big bags on her arms and she's almost falling over, some guy stepped over her and people in general were clearly annoyed and made angry remarks, like "How dare she have a lot of stuff! How dare she block the alley with all her fucking...stuff!". I knew that if I give her my seat I'll be standing up the whole ride (about 45 min) but I stood up anyway and let her sit down.

I helped with her bags. They were all beaten up because she had tried to hold everything together so tight because people were giving her all kinds of shit because she was in the way. I made sure she was alright in her seat before zoning out to another dimension as I always do when I don't want to be where I am, but I could hear her say: "Thanks God there still nice people in the world".

She was wrong. I am not a nice person. I just hate it when people ignore others who are in need. That makes me considerate, maybe, but ask anyone who knows me, I am not nice. I am a fucking ass. I complain all the time. I am unbearable and annoying.

I'm able to find the negative side of everything and with me you'll know why perfection doesn't exist. I have a hard time forgiving people, and when things go wrong I'll find someone else to blame. I am possibly the most manipulative person you are likely to encounter. If you look in the dictionary under "selfish", you will see my name and a small rendering of my face.

The people in my world live in a kind of hell from which they cannot escape, because even though I am who I am, what I am, how horrible I am, my love for them is overwhelming. They choose willingly to go through the pain in the ass I am, and their suffering is compensated many times over.

I am ferociously mean and unbearably kind, and this paradox is what keeps my friends close and my enemies closer. I hate injustice, dishonesty, cowardice, greed, stupidity - but that doesn't stop me from committing all of these acts in one way or another. I am not nice. Not in the least. But that will not stop me from helping you.

Now listening: Sir Mix-a-Lot - Baby got Back

Get to know me

When I started this blog I thought it would be an outlet, some kind of escape from the silence I usually live in, I was thinking I'd have a journal like the guy in Butterfly Effect, some kind of time capsule where I could look back in a few years and refect on what I was feeling and going throught at some point of my life.
The thing is that the very fact of writing a journal on Internet where everybody can read it's contradictory. Sometimes I think I'm the only one that actually reads the articles, but then I look at the statistics and I realize I'm not. The worst part is not that people from Israel or Argentina bump into this small corner and find out she has me upside down, or that trying to express myself in a way that people from different cultures can understand is difficult, no, that's not the worst of having a blog... what gives me the creeps is that MY FRIENDS read this, people I know, co workers, teammates, people I go to school with, people that barely know me and people that know me very well.
When I was in High School I learned about The Johari Window and that gave me a lot to think about, how little do we know about ourselves and how bad do we really want to know? We should all learn about the effect we have on other people, the impression we cause on them and the perception other people have about us, that's my idea of making a better world... or at least one of them.

I always thought that people should talk (or write for that matter) about things they know, I have fun reading blogs about technology, movies or music but I refuse to write about that in my space, I'll let that to people who actually know about those subjects. What I know, or what I want to know is me, period. If knowledge is power, then the knowledge of oneself should be the ultimate power... right?

Now listening: Sabrina Setlur - Ich bin so